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Pink Gins & Googlies 7: 4 & 5 the Suborean Ashes

Following the challenge a cricket the ladies turn to training the Neds for their cricket match against the Trogodyltes under the old law.


Fielding Practice

Edith, as a fielder, helps teach the townspeople train in the art of fielding & running out the batsmen.

Sadly, the training is slightly hindered by Hettie rolling a natural 1 for her batting, resulting in the practice balls soaring higher over the boundaries – and the balls going into the nest of a giant spider – resulting in 2 of the Neds being paralyzed by its poisonous bite and then encased in silk cocoons!

After a short interlude, (where a rescue party is formed, the spider bludgeoned into retreat by Hettie and the 2 fielders rescued), training resumes – though the Cranfield Ladies College cannot shake the firmly held belief among the locals that the game actually *involves* killing a spider.

Despite this minor setback, the Neds appear to be naturally adept in the art of fielding. Mags, after some close observation, puts this down to the fact that they have learned to prey on edible flying beetles – similar in shape to giant ladybugs & not dissimilar in size to cricketballs.

Of course, as their instinct is to immediately eat the bugs, this results in some of the Neds trying to stuff the cricket balls directly into their mouths. Edith tries – and fails (rolls an 18) – to convince them that this is not how you play the game, but Mags develops a solution.Using her science skill, she finds the berries of a local bush that causes a painful chilli-like burning sensation, the juice of which she uses to coats the balls.

One experience is enough to put paid to the problem, and soon saliva-coated cricket balls are a thing of the past!

Lastly, running batsmen out is… a challenge. Edith manages to convince them what they have to do (rolls a 6), but initial attempts at training fail in that they cannot stop the Neds from simply running & dragging the batsmen to the ground via rugby tackles etc.

It is only when Hettie demonstrates a) what an umpire is, b) what a foul is & c) what happens to people who don’t listen to Hettie when she is being the umpire when they are committing a foul – that they get the idea that it is a bad idea.

Overall training for fielding (on a D20) 9

Hettie is also teaching fielding, the art of the run-out, and possibly finding a spare bowler…

Hettie sets up a line of wickets improvised from bamboo and creepers.

Line of tribespeople fling balls wildly and inaccurately.

Camera pans back to wickets, all undisturbed. Hettie is not amused.

Catching practice. Series of close-ups of tribespeople being hit with balls. Culminates in one being bopped clean on the head. Hettie looks disapproving.

More shots of wild throws and Hettie peppering stray tribespeople with balls.

Again, no wickets are down. Hettie has a “light bulb” moment of inspiration. You see her doing something to the wickets. Camera pans back to reveal they now all have coconuts or gourds on top, painted to crudely represent the features of troglodyte warriors. Hettie makes speech, points to the trog/wicket targets.

Barrage of balls. Several hit the target, the others are thereabouts.

Hettie nods to herself. Flings a ball. Hits same tribesperson.

Interlude. Hettie notices PC Ned fooling around, doing sleight-of-hand rogueish tricks with a ball. Thinks. Tells him: “you should bowl spin…”

Back to practice. Starting to come together. Hettie flings ball unexpectedly at same tribesperson, who dodges it and grins cheekily. Hettie looks annoyed, but can’t help but be amused.

Interlude. Hettie explaining how to catch ball, sees tribespeople paying no attention, gets annoyed. They are distracted by something, pointing over Hettie’s shoulder. Is a velociraptor creeping up on her. She turns, casually shoots it dead, returns to teaching. Now has their attention.

Music gets more positive and triumphant as they get better. Finally, all the tribespeople strike down their wickets wirth precise running throws. Hettie nods, flings ball suddenly at that tribesperson – who catches it perfectly! Hettie nods in approval.


Gwen was impressed by the force with which the Kellys could hit the ball unfortunately they hadn’t mastered any more aspects of batting than that. When the girls were freeing the Kellys from the spider Gwen noticed a palm tree with huge mat like leaves so having Hettie on hand in case of the return of the spider Gwen got the Kellys to cut some of the leaves which she placed between Point and Mid Off and Short Leg and Mid On. Bowling slow full tosses she indicated that instead of smacking the ball as hard as possible the Kellys should try and hit the palm leaf mats. Once they had begun to master this technique Gwen placed a fielder behind the mats and taught the batsmen to run between the wickets while the fielder tried to throw down the stumps. They seemed to get the hang of it eventually.

Meg’s invents a bowling machine from a water wheel and dinosaur claws and the Need batsmen get practice at progressively faster deliveries.

TROG training

All this is inter-cut with Molemen scientists subjecting The trog team to the ludvico technique watching film of cricket matches, being injected with steroids and working out on robotic machines.


It was a 20 over match on a pitch prepared by ankylosaurs trampling over the ground. The Neds-Ladies team won the toss and decided to bat first.

Gwen and Hettie build a resolute opening partnership into the 11th over when Hettie is bowled for 43. Edith comes to the crease abs adds 24. Gwen is spent by the 13th over for 67 runs & Megs adds 17. They finish with extras 153 for 2

The Troglodyte team comes to the field confident. Og is caught by the third over to Hettie’s bowling and Ug is bowled two overs later. Edith bowls Uz but a lengthy duel develops between Hettie and Ag but the Ned bowlers manage to skittle the trogs around him for 128 all out.

The Neds & Gals have won! However the ladies notice an oncoming stampeding herd of brontosauruses – the Molemen have not stuck to the ‘ old law.’

Scrambling to the shelter of the foothills they escape the trampling. Ag leads the Trog team too – disgusted his masters have betrayed the old law. Megs ‘electric death’ Hebblethwaite zaps a molemen gyrocopter ready to attack the refugees.


The team assemble their alliance of Neds and Trogs and repairing the crashed gryocopter into a form of drone shepherd the brontosauruses.

Just in time as they are attacked by a moleman on submarine legs but they charge it with their dinosaurs and having taken some hits scavenge it’s weaponry. Now with their dinosaur herd fitted with electric canon they ride them at the assembled trog army and moleman aircover.

As the old girl cricketers of a Cheshire ladies college crouch on their charging dinosaurs electric cannons firing a mighty battle is joined. Fortunately taking out cannons, and aircover and oratory or Captain Ag leads to a trog mutiny.

The assembled forces rush the capital against the molemen rearguard. they manage to rescue some children before incorporated in submarines. Edith racing in stoping the castle door being locked. Storming up the castle they find locked doors and try and shoot through the doors but find them metal.

Ensuring the Neds and rescued children are already shooting to the surface via the pods.

They back track and enter the interior mezzanine level seeing the rocket engines – the molemen have retreated to a rocket pod. The gals shoot up the engines – Megs electric pistol on the fritz throwing it in just as the engines fire to cause an explosion leading the rocket splatting into a mountain.

Regretfully it was also the perfect time for Megs to be burnt to a cinder by the engine. Her team mates gather her ashes in a small urn and leave them with Ag with the promise to play an annual match in Megs memory.

Leaving Ag reading ‘God and the State’ by Mikhail Bakunin and a 1897 copy of Wisden for clues how to establish a new order they travel to the surface.

The Perth police are gathering up wandering Neds and eventually ‘top men’ from Canberra come promising to take care of it all.

next on the tour Sydney ….

One comment on “Pink Gins & Googlies 7: 4 & 5 the Suborean Ashes

  1. […] the drama on the Perth stretch of the Cranford ladies old girls XI tour of the Empire and North America … […]

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