I started to stir as a gentle breeze kissed my eyelids, with happy memories of the well-rehearsed dancing and the jolly japes (the things you can do with a pair of tin snips) of the previous evening. The sweet aromas of Bab’s wine mixed with the potent musk of the Bar Agricola arousing all my senses I looked up to see our group eager to proceed with the day’s plan. Number one on the agenda – kill the Disco Kid.
Asking Roy to maintain his station behind the bar I wondered if this was the time to break out the fancy dress and for one of us to take on the role of Roy himself to draw the Disco Kidfurther in. Frankie reminded me that we had a flare so yet again there was no requirement to dress up. Disappointing but maybe next time! Spurred on by his masterful approach in shutting down my idea Frankie then suggested blowing up the bar up with the Disco Kid inside. A brilliant idea – save for the lack of explosives!
Whilst mulling over several ideas the thought of recreating scenes from a vintage movie took hold of the group – the famous tale of Home Alone. A brilliant idea that would need careful execution – watching the bar from a distance we could place chess pieces under the window, remove stuffing from the chairs to recreate scarecrows, and the final blow – literally a blow from a swinging toasty maker! If this didn’t work surely Babs’ idea of creating a poisonous concoction labelled ‘Drink Me’ would definitely see the Disco Kid off. Dante joining the discussion suggested planning out an even more dastardly plan with his keen sense of tactics, then came up with nothing (poor Dante one of these days he will have a good idea). Then in what appeared a final bid to offer something to the group Dante suggested Frankie should check his bag for something to add to our ‘Home Alone’ style trap… but it was just another well-planned jest by Dante – a mousetrap in the bag! Such camaraderie! Realising Dante had little else to offer the conversation Frankie suggested heading out to let the flare off whilst the rest of us chose a spot from which to take aim.
Each of us chose a place with care – Frankie hiding in the print shop opposite the bar with Hattie, Babs on the roof of the Agricola, me behind a wall… and Dante hiding behind the door of the bar with a spear primed to shoot through the letter box – what a surprise the Disco Kid will have!
From my position it was difficult to see but from all accounts Frankie spotted a lone traveler with a gun appearing in the hills. In Frankie’s own words “I saw a man, a dangerous looking sort, the kind who eats boiled eggs for breakfast and doesn’t enjoy a magic show. I bravely ran towards him, but he spotted me with eyes like a pigeon, so I bravely hid, sticking close to the ground”.
Seeing her son in danger Babs took aim…
Suddenly from my hiding place I spotted the man we’d come to end… Faded jeans, a gun, and a poor taste in music – the Disco Kid had arrived! Next to him stood an unusual looking man, the head of a bird attached to his shoulder, and a sharpened spade… it could only be Homer Noodleman!
From my position I heard shouting in his funky tones “Roy it’s your old mate the Disco Kid… don’t be like that.”
Trying to see if I could get a good shot I popped my head over the wall, and was immediately spotted by the Kid himself! With little to fall back on (save for years of experience in the performing arts) I called out “Come here – he’s in there… get down!”
Somewhere in the hills (or so I’m told) Frankie knocked over a pile of rocks and was spotted by the sniper – the man then took aim. Another talented actor Frankie convinced the man he’s an ally (it doesn’t hurt that he’s very handsome) and asked him to keep watch. As the dastardly villain turned to keep watch Frankie attempted to shoot him in the back of the head. Failed once, failed twice, failed a third time.
Back on the ground Hattie fired her little gun with the pointy bullets – I heard them fly – whoosh whoosh! She hit the Disco Kid! Trying to use this to my advantage I encouraged them to come closer to me. Something about my performance was offthough – Homer didn’t believe me (I blame the bird – he had a crafty face). He attempted to hit me with the spade but missed (years of Morris dancing has taught me some skillful moves). Then the Disco Kid started after me – I shouted to Dante for help! Would he come to my rescue?
And there was Dante… more of Dante than I’d expected… pants around his ankles he mooned the Disco Kid. Only a great tactician could come up with such an idea! Disco Kid enraged by Dante’s uncool display shot Dante (in the derriere). But birdshot in the bum couldn’t stop Dante – he charged the Disco Kid, spear in hand and trousers down, hehit him
Side note – Babs will have a job picking bits out of Dante’s derriere later!
Then from the hills another shot – it’s the Mac Banger (or so I believe) fired by Frankie. The sniper was down! It was all happening so quickly that I could barely keep up!
Working together Hannie aimed her gun and hit theNoodleman, and with one concluding thrust of my knife I brought him to the ground!
With one little task to finish our job Frankie took the lead in beheading the Disco Kid, then with a mixture of fury and good humour screamed to the sky ‘Disco is dead!’
Ahh It’s the little things that make me smile.
Armour plate carrier.
3.5 gallons overall of water
1 nail galvanized 60ml 3ml thick