A Farewell to Arms – The Last(?) Testament of Commandante Dr. Ernesto Valezques, BA, DEA
Being of sound mind, but unsound body I compose this report in the hope of being able to complete account of this operation.
Since arriving on this island we have seen many bizarre and dangerous situations, but none so strange as this. A women dressed as a Union officer of the American Civil War, backed by two bodies of troops in both Union and Confederate Uniforms, had made an unreasonable demand.
She insisted that we hand over over one of our party to be a sacrifice, to be butchered and eaten by these despicable people. While she returned with my refusal ringing in her ears.
As the cannibal officer returned to her unit, we took our positions behind a convenient berm. Then the confederate clad troopers ran towards us while the others advanced in line.
We opened fire at the same time as them. Pepe was our first casualty, taking a bullet in his left arm. I took his Mauser to return fire. As I was aiming I became aware that a cannon barrel was being pointed out of one of the buildings. As I aimed at it I realised that it was crewed by children, but children with a cannon need to be stopped, and one was stopped by a bullet to the arm. I took one out quickly, but they fired on our position narrowly missing me, but taking out two nuns (Michealangela and Donatella).
Liesl effectively disabled the cannon with one of her firecracker arrows, which sent the crew scurrying for cover. After a few seconds, sparks from the firecracker had found some of the gunpowder and detonated it.
With the cannon out of action, I was able to take out one of the soldiers crawling towards us. A well aimed bullet smashed his left harm. Alas, Capitan Dougie heroically took a Confederate bullet to his chest when he raised his head to take a shot at the advancing enemy.
The firefight with the ACW cannibals continued for some time, even though Liesl had noticed that we were being observed from the rear. As no threat had come from that direction up until this point, this observation was noted for later reference.
Eventually, the cannibals withdrew in some disorder. We subsequently learnt that the explosion may have removed the next generation of these ghouls.
“Put all your equipment down and walk away, and you won’t get hurt,” came an amplified woman’s voice from behind. And then it all got very messy. The sniper first took out Father Flaherty, and then I too took a bullet in the chest. We managed to scramble for cover, and make our way away from the evil sniper.
The next day we met two people from a local community who explained that the sniper is Eleanor, a bandit whose partner was killed in the area, and has been a pain in the area. These two are part of the community that controls the volcano that is our final destination.
Following discussions with the local leaders, we reached an agreement where we can put our equipment on the mountain if one of our party is successful in the Goose Run. This is a strange local tradition where a herd of geese are released at the top of the mountain and success comes to those who can catch one of them.
I used to have a dog that would catch geese. We need him, but he is gone. I am gone.